I’m sort of at a loss for words. And I realize the irony of that statement as I proceed to type a post full of them. Allow me to explain:
I read posts on Facebook and Twitter, and I hear women say something to the effect of, “All the good guys are taken,” or “I can’t find a good guy.”
Stop this practice. Stop it immediately.
These phases absolutely irritate me and the other guys I know who do everything they can for the women in their life.
Let’s establish something right off the bat: this post isn’t a solicitation of “Oh, Jon Cole, I think you’re great/awesome/super/insert-your-favorite-adjective-here.”
Okay, so what makes a woman say these things? I think many have this problem:
Women want a good guy, but they deep down don’t believe good guys exist. So, they date guys who fall below the women’s standard because they know it’s not ideal. They can subconsciously use that as an excuse when they want out. When an actual good guy comes around, they stay in denial and panic, and they run EVEN THOUGH they know it will be good for them to stay because past experience is all they know. Now, I know not all women are this way. I fully realize that not all women will fit into this category that I am establishing here. I am painting with a broad brush because I have observed this through friends and other acquaintances, and I have had personal experience with this. One woman I had gotten to know really well had indicated to me that she shared the mutual feeling I had for her. It was one of the greatest days of my life because I had waited with great patience for that moment. Two days later, she sent me an email stating she was caught up in the moment, and she didn’t want anything other than a friendship with me.
I got past the devastation of that time, and I was able to talk to this woman a couple years later. We reestablished a friendship and got to rebuild what had been broken. We finally got around to talking about “The Incident™”( as I will lovingly (ugh) refer to it until the end of time). She told me that very thing I mentioned earlier: she knew I was a good guy. She knew where my heart was. She knew I would take care of her and treat her they way she needed to be and deserved to be treated. But, that scared her…and she ran.
To make another long story short, the feelings returned, we decided to give it another go, and we lived happily ever after.
False. She dumped me again. This time she waited three days instead of two. And her excuses made no sense to me. She proceeded to tell me I’m not the man for her, nor did she think there was a man for her. Except she was married to someone else less than a year from The Incident™ Part 2. But I digress…
So, ladies, let’s say there is a guy hanging around. He’s a good dude. You like talking to him, and he makes you feel good. You find out he has feelings for you, and you either aren’t ready or you don’t feel the same. What should you do about it?
The answer is painfully simple: you be honest and upfront about it.
I have this friend I’ve known for years. I was spending time with her one day, and it was like something clicked…I had the thought that this could be the woman I’ve been waiting for my whole life. She makes me feel like myself. I’m excited to talk to her, and there aren’t awkward lulls in the conversation. I told her about everything in my life already, and she helped balance out the crazy that happens being the over-thinker that I am. I decided I’d talk to her about it, but I’d wait until the semester was over because of the level of stress she seemed to be dealing with.
One night, I was driving, and I was telling her a story about my niece. Without even thinking, I made a comment about something my niece said and how I responded about someone having my heart (just go with me on this…I wish to not talk about the conversation that led to that comment). My friend stopped me mid-sentence, “whoa whoa whoa, hold on…why don’t I know this?”
Swear word. She knew I didn’t keep anything from her, so why is this news to her, right?
I ended up having “the conversation” with her that night. I didn’t get the answer I had hoped for, but what was fantastic was she just told me exactly how she felt. She was honest about it. Yeah, I didn’t like the news, but guess what: she and I are still super close today even though she’s on the cusp of getting engaged to her longtime boyfriend.
There was another instance where I had a friend for a few years, and she made me feel the same as the other friend I was talking about. I was a better me around this woman. I felt alive, and I felt normal (which I know makes many of you laugh. Jon Cole and Normal? ha). We understand each other easily…all of it is great. I was less forward with her about the feelings that were developing, but she keyed into something I said, and she told me, “I may be misreading this, and I’m sorry if I am…but I need you to know that I only see us as friends.” Yeah, that stung to hear that, but that quickly passed. 3 years later, this woman is still in my inner circle, and we’re looking out for each other as friends.
I’ve not been as lucky in other situations. There has been more than one instance where I’ve started to talking to a woman. We’ve gotten to the point where we’ve talked at length daily for several weeks, and I look forward to those conversations. Then, all of a sudden, the calls, the texts, the Facebook messages…they start going unanswered. And I don’t have a reason why.
I tend to bond with people easily. I think I’m a good judge of character, and if I trust you, I don’t hold back. I don’t have anything to hide. I have a lot of life experience to share, and I love to do that because I know God gave me my experiences and stories to share to help people with their own lives. So when I’m bonded with someone, and they shut me off for apparently no reason and I don’t know why, I take it hard. I take it personally. I get introspective. I try to figure out what happened. Was it something I did or said? Did something happen to them? What’s the deal? This doesn’t just happen with dating relationships…I react this way to regular friendships, too. If there’s an abrupt end with no “why”? I’m trying to figure it out.
This heartache can be avoided with some simple, honest communication. And I know I’m not the only guy who would appreciate that.
So, as far as the “Oh, Jon Cole, I think you’re great/awesome/super/insert-your-favorite-adjective-here,” goes…I know I’m all these things. I’ve known this for quite some time. And that’s not being arrogant…that’s me knowing my motives and my heart from an honest perspective. My parents raised me right.
I also know that not every woman is going to think I’m great or funny or attractive. I get that.
All I’m asking is if you need to draw a line, then draw it together with the person you’re associated with. Otherwise, cutting along that line will cause hurt and confusion for quite some time.
Ain’t nobody got time for that.
Thanks for reading,